PLACES YOU SHOULD NEVER KISS
1. In a Men’s Warehouse, not the suit store. A warehouse where they make lousy men.
2. Conservative foam party. Not right wing conservative, conservative as in the soap is rationed so no one gets too fucky.
3. On the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. Don’t kiss while fake flying. Notice how you move over the darkness. Pay attention to tiny London. Tiny London is paying attention to you!
4. At a gun range after happy hour. Everyone you love is one bad joke away from leaving you for good.
5. In a city that doesn’t get its own jokes.
6. Um. Never kiss someone who is searching for a word and tells you they are blanking. They will think you are putting words in their mouth. It’s much worse.
7. In front of someone in Malibu with a sense of humor.
8. Inside of a literal white Russian. It must break you.
9. At a vegan BBQ while everyone compares the glisten of their fake meat sweats around the L.E.D. campfire, embracing the future, embracing a lack of joy until that becomes joy. Do not kiss them until they admit they are meat.
10. In a gay western seafood bar called Fish and Chaps.
11. You should never kiss someone who is trying to enjoy a churro. A churro is just a donut with a boner."